148.
artist:jimmy eat world
album:futures
a few weeks back, livejournal's writers prompt question was something to do with an album or song that you cant listen to because of someone, and i thought about answering the question then, but decided that id been putting this album off long enough, and should probably just suck it up and listen to it for my blog. i was in my room, pulled the wax out of its sleeve, put the needle in the groove and tried to keep it together. my record player, however, had other plans for me, and wouldn't let me get past side one.
after fussing with the needle for about five minutes and not getting the response i desired, i shut the lid to my player and just left it alone. i decided that my record player knew what was better for me than i did, and just moved on, putting that record back into that dark corner of my mind that I've kept it for a few years now.
this morning, however, things were different. i woke up early this morning to a text message from the boy who is the reason i cant listen to this record without turning into a heap of emotion. i haven't talked to him in a while, but he decided at six thirty this morning that it was important to tell me that he was riding in a car, the driver put on your favorite weapon and they passed the genesis diner. it was such a bizarre thing to wake up to, and i struggled to figure out what to say in response to that message, so i sent back a smiley face, because what the hell was i supposed to say?
so i guess listening to this record today was my actual response to that message. there were a lot of albums that we listened to together, your favorite weapon being one of them, but nothing else reminds me of the time we spent together like futures. he had dl'ed the leak before the album was released, and from that point on, that was seemingly the only thing we listened to when we were together, which was most of the time at that point. id get done work at 11 and go to his apartment to hang out, or we'd go to the diner to sit and drink coffee until 3am and play rummy. i remember one night being really upset about the fact that the diner didn't have mixed fruit jelly, so when i got up to go to the bathroom, he got a small bowl from the counter and proceeded to make me some mixed fruit jelly out of what was on the table. that remains in my mind one of the sweetest things that anyone has ever done. its such a small gesture, but sometimes its the little things that mean so much. it meant that he was paying attention to me, and that was something i wasn't used to.
when things ended, i was a mess. i remember laying in my bed and not wanting to get out of it, i just wanted to die. heartbreak fucking sucks. you know that part of the book new moon where Edward leaves Bella and for "months" the pages are just blank? nothing happened? she just became a zombie? that was me. i just didn't know how i was going to pick myself up and get my shit together. but i did. eventually i figured it out and got back on my feet.
he still randomly pops up in my life, much like the text message this morning. i don't love him the way that i used to, for sure. its hard to give that back to someone who crushed me so badly, but i still care about him. i probably always will. i don't know if he knows that, but if he reads this, i guess he will. we have both moved on in our lives and are in totally different places now than we were when we met, but the time i spent with him did a lot to help shape the person i am now, for good, bad or otherwise.
one more quick story about this album...or at least about one of the songs. back in 2009, Christa and i went to see the Clarity 10X10 tour. jimmy eat world played the entire clarity album from front to back, and then for the encore they played a few of their other hits that have been released over the past ten years. i was dreading hearing any of the songs from futures, but knew that it was unlikely that i wouldn't, so i was gearing myself up for that. they played a few songs, work and pain if i remember correctly, and then moved on and kind of left futures alone, and i was grateful for that. then they played their last song of the night, 23. the second the first note rang out, i looked at Christa, she looked at me, and I'm pretty sure there was a collective gasp through the entire audience, as that song is just so emotional. I'm an emo kid. hell, i was an emo kid before anyone had decided what an emo kid was supposed to be. I'm not going to tell any lies in this blog, so in that i have to tell you that its possible that i cried during this song. and by possible, i mean, it happened.
heh, I remember that concert so clearly.
ReplyDeleteI think that was the first time I was back in Philly since I left? So it was a very bizarre homecoming and I was already emotional, and plus, I was 23, and they were playing 23, and that song had already been one of my favorites. Too much.
And I remember you making fun of me for bawling, before you started crying ;P
cheers to being emo