365 project:"love is watching someone die."

26.

artist:death cab for cutie
album:plans

i am at my big brother's house watching his girls overnight. its about a 40 minute drive over here on a good day, but when there is more than a foot of snow on the ground and the county that they live in doesn't believe in plowing their roads (seriously. the roads were untouched.) it was long enough to get another album in.

i haven't listened to plans in a really long time. i wasn't sure why, because the songs aren't terrible, and i generally like death cab (though this album is my very least favorite of theirs) so i figured id give it a go and figure out why.

i am willing to bet that its been about a year since i listened to that album. i think this because when i heard the song what Sarah said, i almost started crying right there in the car. its coming up on a year since mom-mom died, and that was a really difficult time for our family. i  mean, i had just turned 30-i was starting to think that maybe her and my pop-pop were just going to outlive us. that wasn't the case.

the lyrics to that specific song, though, talk about just waiting for someone to die, basically. just sitting around the waiting room and just watching them deteriorate, and that's more or less what happened with mom-mom, though she was able to stay in her home to pass over.

when she died, i didn't really talk about it to anyone. i was at work when i got the call, and of course i fell apart, but pulled it back together after a few minutes and went back to work like nothing happened. i didn't really talk to my friends about it, either. I'm way more private with my feelings than even i realize sometimes, and I've always been that way. there was only one person that i even felt comfortable talking about this stuff with, and that was because his grandma had passed within the last year, and he was really close with her, so i knew he would understand.

in two weeks, we will be at a year. I'm not looking forward to that day. i hope it passes by quickly and without much thought, because while i think of her every day, id really rather not feel that sadness again.